A consideration of the
space between
being "A Couple"and being Single Marsha Steed Keller © 2004
Introduction: I am an LDS
Divorcee. While that sounds like the
beginning of an AA introduction, (and it well may be in some odd way, a
return
from an addiction ; an addiction to a certain way of life and
believing) it is
merely a fact that I have had to learn how to be comfortable with over
the last
two years. This paper
is in response to several stimuli. First, my own
desire to be a "bridge builder" so that those who follow
me along the difficult and lonely path I've walked the last few years,
may
perhaps find some solace and direction. Secondly,
the cries of others like me, whose voice have fallen on my
ears, and Thirdly, the desire and belief that while one voice may not
be much,
it is one voice that begins any change.
Just a
little about me: I am a seventh
generation LDS woman, who grew up from a family of 65 grandchildren
where all
of my 11 sets of aunts and uncles were returned missionaries and temple
married. I grew up in a wonderful LDS
home, met my childhood sweetheart at age 16, he went on a mission
whilst I
attended
Then, my
life began to unravel. Slowly at first,
but then escalating to a place where I was told there was "nothing left to
build on." Hence
I found myself at age
42, alone, uneducated, (having given up a Presidential Scholarship to
BYU),
without marketable skills( having been a "stay at home mom"), and burdened under
cumbersome bills and the knowledge that "Forever" was now a dark and
frightening place, instead of bright gold-lined streets walking hand in
hand
with my "Forever Family".
I was not
only devastated, I was paralyzed with fear for my future, having zero
understanding of what was to come. I had
no resources that I could find, that could lead me on a path to
recovery. I didn;t know the laws of the state,
nor the
intricacies of being neither "married" or "single" in an LDS environment. I was in the midst of a great grieving
process, but I had no idea what to do, or where to turn.
This
treatise is partly about me, but only in the fact that I believe I am
no
different than thousands of LDS women and men who find themselves in my
situation. The reason they find
themselves there is not my focus, nor is where they go after the courts
hand
them a paper with "Final Divorce Decree" written sterility at the
top.
What I
would like to present then, is some ideas on what I feel may have
assisted me
in the long and arduous process of recovery; the path itself, from a
singular
perspective and some support from others I have spoken with who have
other
ideas and needs. My hope is that somehow
the programs of the church can be altered, or expanded to include some
of the
resources that I know would have sped up my recovery, and facilitated a
much
less painful and bramble-ridden path there.
To do this,
I have offered five areas of concern that I believe every person who
attempts
to make something beautiful out of the ugliness of divorce, need
address. I will also offer some suggestions as
to what
I feel may assist in each area, after sharing what the focus areas main
needs
are, and what I feel would be most important to address and why.
The Grief Model ~ Intellectual
processing Reconnecting to the Dream ~ Spiritual
connection Losing "The Dream" ~ Emotional response As I share
my own experience, I want it from the beginning noted that I believe
the
children's father to be a good man. I
deeply care for him, as I always shall, and this in no way is an
attempt to
discredit him or to belittle or defame his character. His
decisions are his own, as are mine. This is not
about the process that brought me
to this point, only about what to do about it once I found myself
irrevocably
here.
When I was
approached and told that a divorce was the future for our family, my
first
reaction was shock. I simply could not
process the information that the dream I had believed in, sung about,
had
multiple lessons on, given talks about and read all through Seminary,
YW,
Primary, RS and Sacrament Meetings for 40 years was no longer valid.
My ward was wonderful. I had the best resources the church could offer me. This is not my complaint. In
truth this is not even a complaint, so
much as a concern, and an offer to share a very intimate and personal
journey,
so that perhaps my thoughts, implemented, may assist others in their
return to dignity,
full activity and service in a ward family.
I had Visiting teachers
who were faithful and loving. I had the world's
best home teacher, who took
me under his wing, and made certain that I knew I was not merely a
number, but
a person he cared about deeply, and wished to be a resource to both
comfort and
physically assist in any way needed. I
had a bishop who called me consistently, and made time to talk with me
almost
bi-weekly, along with emails and phone calls in between.
I was given the LDSSS (Lds Social Services)
as an additional resource, and a fabulous counselor who shared some
wonderful
tools with me and my children to assist our downward freefall. I had an
infinitely supportive extended family who was there for me at every
turn. I had
the Saviour, who succored and lifted, calmed and kept me sane. (barely
it felt
at times.)
However, even in all of
this, there were holes that I see
now, that if filled, I believe would have kept me from many of the
painful and
damaging stumbles I took along the way. Emotion
is the first of the facets I encountered. A
feeling of loss so profound, that my entire
base of belief , past, present and future was affected.
The programs of the
church, were at their best in my
instance. Many of the shattered lives
that I have encountered and talked with have not had that experience. The programs failed them on one or many levels,
adding to their difficulties and angst. Perhaps
the reason I feel my voice may be effective, is that as I
shared, in my instance the programs were at their shinning best. The things that *worked* as they were
intended, all are shinning examples of intent and planning.
style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial;"> Even so, there were
places that were dark voids; treacherous
side-roads and stinging brambles along my pathway to wholeness. I had lost the foundation that I had believed
was unshakable. While my roots were
deep, and my heart willing, my footing was slippery and my vision
impaired. Impaired so much so, that I could no
longer
see how my previous beliefs and convictions could possibly stand
against the
black hole of the dark forest I was unwillingly pushed into.
My suggestion here, would
be that what would have assisted
me more than visiting teaching messages to 'do more, serve more' during
this
critical period, would be perhaps a very particular set of messages of
hope,
support, validation and the allowance that the 'divorcing' person is
NOT just
like everyone else in the ward. The very
specific emotional needs are acute, and the messages (while wonderful
and
helpful in most cases) were sharp knives reminding me that I had
failed, that
my future was not 'the dream' and the most crushing burden of all. . .
that I
would never have 'the dream'. Not ever.
This point must be taken
and looked at, as difficult as it
is, in our optimistic society of repentance, forgiveness, redemption
and
renewal. Like a young virgin who falls
into immorality, even though there are paths to take to return her to
honour
and full repentance, somewhere in there the fact remains that it is
impossible
to ever have the ability to present herself virginal before a
prospective
sweetheart again. Likewise, even if,
after recovery and wholeness has been restored, 'the dream' of an
eternal
family as it is generally presented in LDS circles, is impossible. Even in a remarriage with a new and wonderful
spouse, there is no longer the sweet innocent nuclear family of mom,
dad and
their children sealed up forever. I
recognize that so many different incarnations of 'family' are slowly
coming
into recognition and even becoming a huge population in the world and
the
church, however, please look deeply into the heart of a 16 year old
girl raised
with 'I have a family here on earth '
they are so good to me, I want to share my life with them through all
eternity.
. . ' and see that in order to give up this dream, it first must be
recognized and dealt with, that it is an unrecoverable loss. You can only have that virginal 'Eternal
Family' once. Anything after that is an
adjustment to the standard, and any adjustment always. . . always feels
'different'.
I would offer that Home
and Visiting Teachers could have a
printed resource to draw from, that included all of the principles of
healing,
but yet worded and geared to the specific needs of a person who feels
themselves almost unredeemable in the eyes of their expectations and
future. Not lessons that are 'poor you'
oriented, but certainly ones that recognize and validate the loss and
grief of
this growing population.
The Grief
Model
Intellectually processing Elisabeth
K'bler-Ross M.D. developed the five-stage grief model that we use
today. It is
a guide to the stages that a grieving person goes through while healing. I strongly believe, that losing 'the dream'
is a grief process almost identical to losing a loved one.
It is not so much the person you lost, a
former spouse, it is the dream of what you expected would be your
future that
is now irretrievably lost. In order to
heal from such a place, the five stages MUST be allowed to run their
course. If it is
accepted and realized that these stages are an acute and specific
journey, any
assistance given the 'divorcing' individual could be viewed through the
paradigm of grief. This adds focus and
something tangible with which to assist the person along their return
to
wholeness. I'll offer just a paragraph
on each, in order to illustrate my point, then offer suggestions for
each stage
that may ease the transition from one stage to the next.
Denial ' At
first, I simply
could not get my mind around the fact that I would no longer be 'a
wife'. For a woman, this change is astronomical
in
scope. For a stay at home woman, it is dehibilitating. The
simple act of getting up in the morning,
becomes a chore that you almost feel you can not overcome.
For a woman who was once a leader in the
ward, this instant turn from 'helper' to 'needy' adds a fog of
disorientation
that seems impenetrable. Denial is the only way to make yourself
function.
Suggestions:
Validation. A person in
this stage needs not to be told
that 'things will get better' alone, but that they are indeed in a very
real
and dangerous place emotionally. A loving
and astute bishop could be an invaluable resource by offering phone
numbers to
call such as resources to the laws of the State of residence, some
programs
where the grief and fear can be real and validated, and written
material that
includes a succinct but logical list of how to proceed, and what steps
now must
be made.
Some
of those steps include, but are not limited to:1) Allowing
the person to flow at their own pace,
and let them know that it is not only acceptable, but to be expected,
and is a natural and healthy response to the
circumstances. There is no specific time
when someone ought to be 'over' the process.
2)
Telling the person to 'be strong' and that they are only given what
they can
handle, while true, is less than unhelpful, it can be damaging at this
delicate
stage. Allow the person to feel vulnerable, and to breathe deeply and
not fear
a temporary need for a life preserver. Crying and open expressions are
healthy
movements through the denial stage.
Suggestions:
Acceptance. Telling a
'divorcing' person that there is no
reason to be angry only gives strength to the guilt that lies at the
root of
the anger. We must pass through this
stage in order to heal. Each person may move in and out of this stage
many
times before being able to accept their circumstances and move on. Like
denial
there is no certain amount of time when the anger is magically over.
When
helping people who
grieve, it is important that you do NOT' '
'
Suggest
positive outcomes from the loss. '
Mention
that the loss could have been prevented in some way (e.g.,
If only'.) '
Rationalize
positive aspects the loss. '
Compare the
survivor's grief reaction to other people you
know. '
Dwell on
your own grief to show your sorrow. '
Become
frightened by intense emotions and then retreat from the
situation. '
Try to talk
them out of their feelings. '
Force
physical gestures
(i.e., hug, holding hands, etc.). If
unsure, it can be helpful to extend a hand to touch them and if they
appear
uncomfortable it is best to retreat and offer silent support without
touch.
'
Take
rejection by the survivor as a personal attack on you or your
relationship with the survivor.
Suggestions:
Recognize that guilt is a part of the
process,
and not something to be ashamed about. Some other types of guilt
related to loss that some
grieving people often experience can include but are not limited to: Though the
normal channels of Visiting and Home teaching / Relief Society
President
interviews and Bishop Interviews, and even old friends was very
necessary,
there was a 'more' that was so lacking, that it was almost suffocating
to feel
you were in a room all by yourself, with everyone else looking in with
pity.
The room's walls closed in tighter and tighter, every time a
well-meaning
individual offered one of the many pat responses to someone who is in
pain.
This is where the group that I'll later touch upon in the BELONGING
section
will be most healing.
Suggestions:
Allow the 'divorcing' individual all the time they need.
Continue in the valuable programs that are
currently in place, including personal counseling and family counseling. Provide a place that is safe,
and perhaps even strongly suggested, for a
'divorcing' individual to interact with those CURRENTLY in the same
situation. Offering a 'buddy' who they can call
who is
IN the same boat, is far more affective than a dozen of them who are on
the
shore at times.
Suggestions:
For this part of the journey, it is very important to be supportive. Not supportive in a 'poor you, what you've
been through' sort of way, but a 'let's get to work with all your
talents!'
sort of way. Allowing an individual to
no longer be a project and a 'divorcing' member, but an individual with
unique
gifts to share and celebrate is what best defines and cements this
period.
One of the
most difficult aspects of being 'alone' suddenly, or even after years
of a
dying relationship, is that you are 'alone'. It
is a frightening dark place and those who have been your support and
companions for years in many cases. . . no longer know how to include
you. Even if their efforts are stellar, you
often
feel like a 'third wheel' and completely out of place.
Perhaps I am unique, but
from what I've heard from other LDS
singles, I'm far from that. When an LDS
member is in the process of divorcing, there is simply no place for
them to
socially interact. It isn't that we need to 'date' or to even be in a
romantic
venue. In fact that would be detrimental;
however what IS needed, are people around who understand the new life
you have
been thrust into. People who are going
through the same processes you are, right now.
Here are excerpts from
two responses I received that tell
about what these two individuals did: 'In the meantime, I
called a number I had found in the paper
I had kept for 2 YEARS! It is called DivorceCare, it is a christian
based
universal program on healing and support for people who are either
divorced,
divorcing, or separated. It was put together by single, divorced, and
married
leaders of several different churches who were frustrated with the lack
of love
and support for divorced or divorcing members. Meetings were held in a
local
church, and it was the absolute best thing I could have done for myself
during
this time. They all knew I was lds, very supportive and loving, and in
no way
did I feel any different treatment from them because of it. In fact,
only about
1/3 of the people there were members of that church, and I later
discovered
there were 4 of us lds members. That was 2 years ago, and I have some
of my
very dearest, closest friends from that group.' (SIC)
These are only two
excerpts from many responses I've
gleaned. As you can see, the need is
great to have a support group with whom you can both make solid
contact, and
feel that you have a place to truly 'belong'. Even
as a child, we search for people and groups where we can fit
in. This volatile and transitioning
group of tender souls aches for that very same thing.
I have not dwelt on the
negative aspects here, of finding a
group of non-LDS friends. They are
rampant however. Several people I have
spoken with, left the church completely at this time, and in their
hunger for
understanding and a place to heal, turned to much more unhealthy means
than
merely inactivity in the gospel. With a
support base that is personal as well as accessible, so many of these
souls
would not have become lost, or reached out and been found by people who
would
damage their spirituality.
What I propose, is a
group similar to the 'Divorce Care'
with some training in grief counseling and group discussion. I expect most of the LDSSS counsellors could
facilitate such a group with little financial impact, since it would
essentially only take up an hour or two a week in addition to, or in
place of
what they are currently handling.
The essentials would be a
workbook divided into topics for
12 weeks. I know that Divorce Care has
video's, that may be emulated or simply borrowed or remade with an LDS
perspective. Some of this may be a cost,
but I truly believe that this is a part of our population that is so
very
vulnerable, and in such a difficult place that some investment in
us/them,
would reap huge rewards in continuous activity and moral strength.
DivorceCare Some possible topics: Legal
Repercussions (State Relative) Lawyers
Vs. Other Options What's
happening to me? How
to Stabilize, Facing
your Anger Remaining
Morally Clean Financial
Survival KidCare,
Communication with your children or
their other parent Forgiveness,
Reconciliation Where
do I fit in? What
about 'Forever' now? Recognizing the need
for individual care is essential, and
the services of the church does fairly well with the programs in place. This area however, is sorely neglected.
While we do not wish to thrust men and women
into 'dating' or romantic situations, it is paramount that they have a
safe
place to reacquaint themselves with the opposite sex, and have positive
experiences opening up amongst each other. In
many cases, a person hasn't dated or even communicated with the
opposite sex in many, many years.
To forage forward, a
support group of this type would be
most helpful and settling, in a period that seems to be forgotten and
uncomfortable for non-divorcing people to deal with.
A second aspect of the
group sessions would be to pair up
with a 'buddy' of sorts, much like AA's support activities. Someone with whom you are able and expected
to talk to about your rough days. Someone who
has nothing to judge, and has their own burdens as
well. This is essential in two ways.
One, through service our own burdens become light as the Saviour
admonishes,
and two, it functions as 'safe' place to lay your frustrations,
temptations and
difficulties where they are completely understood and accepted.
I would like to add
here, that I am not an expert. I am simply a
woman who has gone through this
process, and has had her own pitfalls and temptations, difficulties and
sea of
tears. I am sharing what I have learned
through personal experience, and contact with many divorcing people
like me.
Reconnecting
to the
Dream -
Spiritual
connection Somewhere between our
youth, or the missionary lessons, or
however we have been connected and embraced by the body of the church
lies a
place where we come face to face with our Heavenly Father.
Not everyone, of course, comes to that point
before a divorce devastates their world. Those
that do, however, find that there is both a huge store of
strength, and a river of doubt that diametrically washes over and
comforts.
Encouraging the divorcing
member is of course intrinsic to
their survival and healing. Visiting
Teachers/ Home Teachers, local auxiliary leaders and priesthood leaders
do all
they can to maintain and support their members.
In all of that, it
remains the responsibility of the
individual to grasp on and hold tightly to the iron rod.
This rod is slippery at this delicate period
of shipwreck. It is as if the Titanic
has suddenly capsized, and your choice is to freefall to your demise,
hold on
with bloodied fingers, or fall into freezing waters outside the safety
of your
ship.
I know that personally,
all that I'd ever known was suddenly
on trial. If 'forever' didn't work, what
else fell with that first push of the domino? All
of the 'Sunday school' answers are essential of course, scripture
reading, temple attendance, church attendance, prayer and service, but
there is
something that must be recognized and handled with infinite care. That is the glaring fact, that no matter how
severe or slight the feeling is, this huge change in ones life brings
with it
questions on all sides.
Answering the questions
of 'why' and 'what now' are often the
key to healing. It would be helpful to
divorcing members to recognize that the mind processes these questions
vary
differently. While lessons from the
Ensign are uplifting and helpful, care must be taken by those dealing
with
divorcing members to sculpt their messages appropriately.
Case in point, when I was in the deepest part
of my dark hole of despair, my faithful visiting teachers came to see
me on
their regular visit. They were
wonderful, and tried very hard to be understanding and to listen. However, in giving me the 'monthly lesson' I
believe they failed to notice that instruction on how I ought to 'do
more' and
'search for my inadequacies in order to improve them' was about the
last thing
in the world a woman who has just been 'tossed aside' needs to hear. It sent me into a tailspin, and felt as if
the iron rod I was clinging to so tenaciously was being ripped out from
my
hands and then bludgeoning me. I asked
them not to return.
I realize that others may
have different experiences with the
messages, but I strongly feel that the messages that are written for
the
general body of members, must be carefully reviewed and perhaps even a
separate
group of lessons offered for that very delicate first few months. Something like 'new member' discussions,
perhaps a divorcing member may opt for lessons specifically geared for
their
grief and doubt, fear and suffering self-worth.
Six topics I would have
found immensely comforting and
helpful: Lord, are you still there? Who am I? Forgiveness is for the
Wounded. Families in all Shapes
and Sizes are still Families. Holding on to the Iron
Rod Reading my own Liahona What can I still do to
serve and be of worth? The Lord IS there, for each and every one of His children, but in this period of mist and uncertainty, He is much more difficult to find. Reaching out is as important in remaining close, as is reaching in. Massage and Touch~
Physical needs This final section is one
that I have come across only in
the last year. For I am the least of
the apostles, who am not worthy to
be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of
God I am
what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more
abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was
with me (
1 Corinthians 15:9-10). A person
who is cut off
from a source of physical comfort, is like a man who has been denied
water in a
burning desert. As I felt arms around me
for the first time in months, the contact was so needed, it hurt. I found tears stinging my eyes, just from the
simple act of being hugged. I realized
with acuity on that day, that single people are rarely touched. If there are no young children around, that
touch is even more rare. Human's thrive
on physical contact. Studies have been
done that conclusively prove that physical contact is one of the most
needed
aspects of thriving. In Maslow's
hierarchy of needs, it is at the very basic level, Physiological Needs
followed by Physiological needs are the
very basic needs
such as air, water, food, sleep, sex, etc. When these are not satisfied
we may
feel sickness, irritation, pain, discomfort,. These feelings motivate
us to
alleviate them as soon as possible to establish homeostasis. Once they
are
alleviated, we may think about other things.
Safety needs have to do with
establishing
stability and consistency in a chaotic world Love and belongingness are next
on the
ladder. Humans have a desire to belong to groups: clubs, work groups,
religious
groups, family, gangs, etc. We need to feel loved (non-sexual) by
others, to be
accepted by others.
There are two types of esteem
needs. First is
self-esteem which results from competence or mastery of a task. Second,
there's
the attention and recognition that comes from others.
The need for self-actualization
is "the
desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that
one is
capable of becoming."
Each of these corresponds to
what I have
spoken of previously in this paper. Physiological
Needs ~ Physical / Safety Needs ~ Emotional - , Love Needs ~ Social / Esteem Needs ~ Intellectual / Self-Actualization ~ Spiritual I
am a Massage Therapist. This work came
into being as I recognized the dire need of the human to be connected
to other
humans in a very tangible way. In our
society we have wandered far from the old ways of hugging, kissing,
embracing
and connecting in healthy and loving ways. A
divorcing person is left on a wasteland of loneliness and
aloneness. Too many of then seek that
basic need in both unhealthy and damaging ways. The
human response to healing, therapeutic touch is amazing.
Diseases and emotional release comes often
when the body is allowed to heal itself and to be cared for.
This
suggestion is in no way an attempt to market or push myself, or my
talents, but
merely to inform and share what my training has taught me.
In a very basic physiological sense, much of
the human's response to stress and pain is carried physically in the
body. The opportunity to release that tension in
healthy and safe ways makes huge strides in the ease of the mind and
ability of
the soul to gain and maintain control.
I
suggest that having a therapist on hand would greatly increase the
healing and
focus of individuals in a situation of stress and upheaval unequalled
to
nothing else. Embracing and extending
the opportunity to heal, reaches far beyond merely the mind. All facets of a person must be considered.
Luke 2: We are
told little about our Saviour's youth and development, but in
the tiny paragraph we have been given, we can see wisdom is our intellectual
side. The borders of our mind can only
be closed if we allow it. Stature is our physical fitness, our senses
of taste
and touch, sight and sound and smell. Favor - this is our emotional or
ethereal
sense of beauty and joy, which separates us from the animals, our
ability to
choose or prefer one thing to another. Our spiritual side, that which
we turn
to God, our soul's heart, which would do good continuously were it
possible. 'Men'
- Our social side, which interacts with one another and builds a
community of .
. .
If we are to
indeed emulate the Saviour and to return and remain to His embrace,
each part
and parcel of our humanity must be attended to and embraced. Though this has been much longer than I
anticipated, and I am grateful to you for taking my thoughts into
account, I
would hope that herein are some thoughts
that perhaps have struck chords or ideas where things as they are,
might be
enhanced. Healing and the future
contributions to the church can only come as those who are most wounded
are
cared for in the best possible way. This
has always been the goal of the Lord's arm on this earth, and will
continue to
be so.
I have included
following my thoughts, the thoughts of many others like me in
conversations,
notes, emails and bulletin board responses. Hopefully
the names have been removed to ensure privacy. Any
and all questions should be directed to
me, Marsha Steed Keller, @ Marsha
at Chantaclair.com
or Divorce at
chantaclair.com. (Remember to close in the spaces
and change the at to an @) I can also be reached by
telephone at (email for number) '.
May you join with so
very
many who are hurting and seeking healing. |