LDS Limbo

A consideration of the space between being "A Couple"and being Single
An LDS perspective of Divorce.

 Click HERE to download a PDF File

Single May Be Where You Are, but it is NOT WHAT You Are.
An additional booklet of prose and snippets of thought.

Marsha Steed Keller

© 2004

 

 

Introduction:

Update. Rediscovering the Dream. I am now Happily remarried, and back through the rabbit-hole. I am a Life and Relationship coach as well as a Massage Therapist. There is healing, but it is always through time and using the correct tools. You can do the same.

 

I am an LDS Divorcee. While that sounds like the beginning of an AA introduction, (and it well may be in some odd way, a return from an addiction ; an addiction to a certain way of life and believing) it is merely a fact that I have had to learn how to be comfortable with over the last two years.

 

This paper is in response to several stimuli. First, my own desire to be a "bridge builder" so that those who follow me along the difficult and lonely path I've walked the last few years, may perhaps find some solace and direction. Secondly, the cries of others like me, whose voice have fallen on my ears, and Thirdly, the desire and belief that while one voice may not be much, it is one voice that begins any change.

 

Just a little about me: I am a seventh generation LDS woman, who grew up from a family of 65 grandchildren where all of my 11 sets of aunts and uncles were returned missionaries and temple married. I grew up in a wonderful LDS home, met my childhood sweetheart at age 16, he went on a mission whilst I attended Ricks College, he returned home and we were married in the Oakland Temple in 1980. I attended YW, and built my own personal testimony of the gospel from the ground up. We soon had four BIC children, and I found myself the "Bisho's Wife" at age 29. I believed in the dream. I lived the dream, and I loved the dream.

 

Then, my life began to unravel. Slowly at first, but then escalating to a place where I was told there was "nothing left to build on." Hence I found myself at age 42, alone, uneducated, (having given up a Presidential Scholarship to BYU), without marketable skills( having been a "stay at home mom"), and burdened under cumbersome bills and the knowledge that "Forever" was now a dark and frightening place, instead of bright gold-lined streets walking hand in hand with my "Forever Family".

 

I was not only devastated, I was paralyzed with fear for my future, having zero understanding of what was to come. I had no resources that I could find, that could lead me on a path to recovery. I didn;t know the laws of the state, nor the intricacies of being neither "married" or "single" in an LDS environment. I was in the midst of a great grieving process, but I had no idea what to do, or where to turn.

 

This treatise is partly about me, but only in the fact that I believe I am no different than thousands of LDS women and men who find themselves in my situation. The reason they find themselves there is not my focus, nor is where they go after the courts hand them a paper with "Final Divorce Decree" written sterility at the top.

What I would like to present then, is some ideas on what I feel may have assisted me in the long and arduous process of recovery; the path itself, from a singular perspective and some support from others I have spoken with who have other ideas and needs. My hope is that somehow the programs of the church can be altered, or expanded to include some of the resources that I know would have sped up my recovery, and facilitated a much less painful and bramble-ridden path there.

 

To do this, I have offered five areas of concern that I believe every person who attempts to make something beautiful out of the ugliness of divorce, need address. I will also offer some suggestions as to what I feel may assist in each area, after sharing what the focus areas main needs are, and what I feel would be most important to address and why.

 

 

The Five Facets:
(Click Pearl to Return to this menu)

Losing "The Dream" ~ Emotional response

The Grief Model ~ Intellectual processing

Belonging ~ Social Interaction

Massage and Touch ~ Physical needs

Reconnecting to the Dream ~ Spiritual connection

 

Losing "The Dream" ~ Emotional response

 

As I share my own experience, I want it from the beginning noted that I believe the children's father to be a good man. I deeply care for him, as I always shall, and this in no way is an attempt to discredit him or to belittle or defame his character. His decisions are his own, as are mine. This is not about the process that brought me to this point, only about what to do about it once I found myself irrevocably here.

 

When I was approached and told that a divorce was the future for our family, my first reaction was shock. I simply could not process the information that the dream I had believed in, sung about, had multiple lessons on, given talks about and read all through Seminary, YW, Primary, RS and Sacrament Meetings for 40 years was no longer valid.

My ward was wonderful. I had the best resources the church could offer me. This is not my complaint. In truth this is not even a complaint, so much as a concern, and an offer to share a very intimate and personal journey, so that perhaps my thoughts, implemented, may assist others in their return to dignity, full activity and service in a ward family.

 

I had Visiting teachers who were faithful and loving. I had the world's best home teacher, who took me under his wing, and made certain that I knew I was not merely a number, but a person he cared about deeply, and wished to be a resource to both comfort and physically assist in any way needed. I had a bishop who called me consistently, and made time to talk with me almost bi-weekly, along with emails and phone calls in between. I was given the LDSSS (Lds Social Services) as an additional resource, and a fabulous counselor who shared some wonderful tools with me and my children to assist our downward freefall. I had an infinitely supportive extended family who was there for me at every turn. I had the Saviour, who succored and lifted, calmed and kept me sane. (barely it felt at times.)

 

However, even in all of this, there were holes that I see now, that if filled, I believe would have kept me from many of the painful and damaging stumbles I took along the way. Emotion is the first of the facets I encountered. A feeling of loss so profound, that my entire base of belief , past, present and future was affected.

 

The programs of the church, were at their best in my instance. Many of the shattered lives that I have encountered and talked with have not had that experience. The programs failed them on one or many levels, adding to their difficulties and angst. Perhaps the reason I feel my voice may be effective, is that as I shared, in my instance the programs were at their shinning best. The things that *worked* as they were intended, all are shinning examples of intent and planning. style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial;"> 

Even so, there were places that were dark voids; treacherous side-roads and stinging brambles along my pathway to wholeness. I had lost the foundation that I had believed was unshakable. While my roots were deep, and my heart willing, my footing was slippery and my vision impaired. Impaired so much so, that I could no longer see how my previous beliefs and convictions could possibly stand against the black hole of the dark forest I was unwillingly pushed into.

 

My suggestion here, would be that what would have assisted me more than visiting teaching messages to 'do more, serve more' during this critical period, would be perhaps a very particular set of messages of hope, support, validation and the allowance that the 'divorcing' person is NOT just like everyone else in the ward. The very specific emotional needs are acute, and the messages (while wonderful and helpful in most cases) were sharp knives reminding me that I had failed, that my future was not 'the dream' and the most crushing burden of all. . . that I would never have 'the dream'. Not ever.

 

This point must be taken and looked at, as difficult as it is, in our optimistic society of repentance, forgiveness, redemption and renewal. Like a young virgin who falls into immorality, even though there are paths to take to return her to honour and full repentance, somewhere in there the fact remains that it is impossible to ever have the ability to present herself virginal before a prospective sweetheart again. Likewise, even if, after recovery and wholeness has been restored, 'the dream' of an eternal family as it is generally presented in LDS circles, is impossible. Even in a remarriage with a new and wonderful spouse, there is no longer the sweet innocent nuclear family of mom, dad and their children sealed up forever. I recognize that so many different incarnations of 'family' are slowly coming into recognition and even becoming a huge population in the world and the church, however, please look deeply into the heart of a 16 year old girl raised with 'I have a family here on earth ' they are so good to me, I want to share my life with them through all eternity. . . ' and see that in order to give up this dream, it first must be recognized and dealt with, that it is an unrecoverable loss. You can only have that virginal 'Eternal Family' once. Anything after that is an adjustment to the standard, and any adjustment always. . . always feels 'different'.

I would offer that Home and Visiting Teachers could have a printed resource to draw from, that included all of the principles of healing, but yet worded and geared to the specific needs of a person who feels themselves almost unredeemable in the eyes of their expectations and future. Not lessons that are 'poor you' oriented, but certainly ones that recognize and validate the loss and grief of this growing population.

The Grief Model Intellectually processing

 

Elisabeth K'bler-Ross M.D. developed the five-stage grief model that we use today. It is a guide to the stages that a grieving person goes through while healing. I strongly believe, that losing 'the dream' is a grief process almost identical to losing a loved one. It is not so much the person you lost, a former spouse, it is the dream of what you expected would be your future that is now irretrievably lost. In order to heal from such a place, the five stages MUST be allowed to run their course.

The five stages are:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

 

If it is accepted and realized that these stages are an acute and specific journey, any assistance given the 'divorcing' individual could be viewed through the paradigm of grief. This adds focus and something tangible with which to assist the person along their return to wholeness. I'll offer just a paragraph on each, in order to illustrate my point, then offer suggestions for each stage that may ease the transition from one stage to the next.

 

Denial ' At first, I simply could not get my mind around the fact that I would no longer be 'a wife'. For a woman, this change is astronomical in scope. For a stay at home woman, it is dehibilitating. The simple act of getting up in the morning, becomes a chore that you almost feel you can not overcome. For a woman who was once a leader in the ward, this instant turn from 'helper' to 'needy' adds a fog of disorientation that seems impenetrable. Denial is the only way to make yourself function.

 

Suggestions: Validation. A person in this stage needs not to be told that 'things will get better' alone, but that they are indeed in a very real and dangerous place emotionally. A loving and astute bishop could be an invaluable resource by offering phone numbers to call such as resources to the laws of the State of residence, some programs where the grief and fear can be real and validated, and written material that includes a succinct but logical list of how to proceed, and what steps now must be made.

 

Some of those steps include, but are not limited to:1) Allowing the person to flow at their own pace, and let them know that it is not only acceptable, but to be expected, and is a natural and healthy response to the circumstances. There is no specific time when someone ought to be 'over' the process.

2) Telling the person to 'be strong' and that they are only given what they can handle, while true, is less than unhelpful, it can be damaging at this delicate stage. Allow the person to feel vulnerable, and to breathe deeply and not fear a temporary need for a life preserver. Crying and open expressions are healthy movements through the denial stage.

Anger: As I progressed past the 'this can't be happening to me; he'll come back/change/come to his senses' sort of feelings; I found myself angry at something nebulous. Not necessarily angry at him, for I am a forgiving and insightful person, but angry that I could even be in this place at all. Angry that I found no where to turn where I felt the 'peace' so often offered as a balm, and angry that my upbringing and faithful service never prepared me for this dark and dismal place.

 

Suggestions: Acceptance. Telling a 'divorcing' person that there is no reason to be angry only gives strength to the guilt that lies at the root of the anger. We must pass through this stage in order to heal. Each person may move in and out of this stage many times before being able to accept their circumstances and move on. Like denial there is no certain amount of time when the anger is magically over.

 

 

 

 

When helping people who grieve, it is important that you do NOT'

' Withdraw from the survivor, removing your support.

'         Suggest positive outcomes from the loss.

'         Mention that the loss could have been prevented in some way (e.g., If only'.)

'         Rationalize positive aspects the loss.

'         Compare the survivor's grief reaction to other people you know.

'         Dwell on your own grief to show your sorrow.

'         Become frightened by intense emotions and then retreat from the situation.

'         Try to talk them out of their feelings.

'         Force physical gestures (i.e., hug, holding hands, etc.). If unsure, it can be helpful to extend a hand to touch them and if they appear uncomfortable it is best to retreat and offer silent support without touch.

'         Take rejection by the survivor as a personal attack on you or your relationship with the survivor.

Bargaining: - This is a phase that is sometimes brief, but very significant in the life of a 'divorcing' LDS person. It is a time of introspection and a lot of guilt. If the break-up is due to sin, that lies on top as blackened burnt forest ash, preventing new growth. As the 'divorcing' individual moves from anger into the more healthy stage of bargaining, prayer and introspection takes on a much larger role. I remember that I offered up many things, after railing about the injustice of it all. I remember making promises that I would be better, do more, find perfection 'If only'. This stage was brief for me, as I swiftly realized that there was nothing that I could do, to influence the feelings an agency of another. Nothing I *ought* to do. It was the plan for us to make choices.

 

Suggestions: Recognize that guilt is a part of the process, and not something to be ashamed about.

 

Some other types of guilt related to loss that some grieving people often experience can include but are not limited to:

 

• Survivor guilt - the feeling that you should have been the one to make a move, instead of your spouse.
• Relief guilt ' guilt about feeling relieved that your spouse left. Relief is natural and expectable, especially if the union was abusive.
• Joy guilt ' guilt about ever feeling happy again after healing. Joy is a natural and healthy experience in life. It is a sign that we are living life fully, which is something we must strive to return to following a significant loss.
• Blame guilt ' guilt that you could have done something to prevent the situation, even if it was not within your ability to do so.

Depression ' As the bargaining phase faded, and I realized that I could not 'promise' my way out, I fell into a sort of depression that made it difficult to focus on what needed to be done. I could no longer get things done that I had before. I could not make small decisions easily, and the grand ones that seemed to fall on me like rain, were nearly impossible to process. In this stage, which may be the longest stage, I didn't need to hear that I was going to get over it. I didn't need to hear that I could handle things. I didn't need or want to hear that I had others to lean on. What I wanted and needed most, were others who had the same experiences as I did. Not ones who were now happily remarried and back in the swing of 'family life'. Not people who had never been through it but had friends and relatives who had. . . and not those who were well-meaning, but completely unaware and inexperienced in divorce. (I know, I used to be just one of those caring individuals)

 

Though the normal channels of Visiting and Home teaching / Relief Society President interviews and Bishop Interviews, and even old friends was very necessary, there was a 'more' that was so lacking, that it was almost suffocating to feel you were in a room all by yourself, with everyone else looking in with pity. The room's walls closed in tighter and tighter, every time a well-meaning individual offered one of the many pat responses to someone who is in pain. This is where the group that I'll later touch upon in the BELONGING section will be most healing.

 

Suggestions: Allow the 'divorcing' individual all the time they need. Continue in the valuable programs that are currently in place, including personal counseling and family counseling. Provide a place that is safe, and perhaps even strongly suggested, for a 'divorcing' individual to interact with those CURRENTLY in the same situation. Offering a 'buddy' who they can call who is IN the same boat, is far more affective than a dozen of them who are on the shore at times.

Acceptance ' As you may be breathing a sigh of relief at arriving here, so I found myself once more able to smile again. This phase begins when one day you lay down in bed, and realize that you haven't thought about your previous spouse all day long. It is a time of return to yourself, almost like waking up on Christmas morning with a package all beautifully wrapped, and upon opening, you are given yourself back. I realized that I wanted to do some things. I found it easier to answer questions about the future, and even think about the future without angst. I could make decisions for myself and my family once more. When the bishop asked me once more, 'How are you doing' I could finally, and unequivocally say, 'Fabulous'.

 

Suggestions: For this part of the journey, it is very important to be supportive. Not supportive in a 'poor you, what you've been through' sort of way, but a 'let's get to work with all your talents!' sort of way. Allowing an individual to no longer be a project and a 'divorcing' member, but an individual with unique gifts to share and celebrate is what best defines and cements this period.

 

 

 

Belonging Social Interaction

 

One of the most difficult aspects of being 'alone' suddenly, or even after years of a dying relationship, is that you are 'alone'. It is a frightening dark place and those who have been your support and companions for years in many cases. . . no longer know how to include you. Even if their efforts are stellar, you often feel like a 'third wheel' and completely out of place.

 

These are only two excerpts from many responses I've gleaned. As you can see, the need is great to have a support group with whom you can both make solid contact, and feel that you have a place to truly 'belong'. Even as a child, we search for people and groups where we can fit in. This volatile and transitioning group of tender souls aches for that very same thing.

 

I have not dwelt on the negative aspects here, of finding a group of non-LDS friends. They are rampant however. Several people I have spoken with, left the church completely at this time, and in their hunger for understanding and a place to heal, turned to much more unhealthy means than merely inactivity in the gospel. With a support base that is personal as well as accessible, so many of these souls would not have become lost, or reached out and been found by people who would damage their spirituality.

 

What I propose, is a group similar to the 'Divorce Care' with some training in grief counseling and group discussion. I expect most of the LDSSS counsellors could facilitate such a group with little financial impact, since it would essentially only take up an hour or two a week in addition to, or in place of what they are currently handling.

 

The essentials would be a workbook divided into topics for 12 weeks. I know that Divorce Care has video's, that may be emulated or simply borrowed or remade with an LDS perspective. Some of this may be a cost, but I truly believe that this is a part of our population that is so very vulnerable, and in such a difficult place that some investment in us/them, would reap huge rewards in continuous activity and moral strength.

 

DivorceCare
Steve Grissom, President
PO Box 1739
Wake Forest, NC 27588-1739
919-562-2112
Fax 919-562-2114
www.divorcecare.org

 

Some possible topics:

 

Legal Repercussions (State Relative)

Lawyers Vs. Other Options

What's happening to me?

How to Stabilize,

Facing your Anger

Remaining Morally Clean

Financial Survival

KidCare, Communication with your children or their other parent

Forgiveness,

Reconciliation

Where do I fit in?

What about 'Forever' now?

 

Recognizing the need for individual care is essential, and the services of the church does fairly well with the programs in place. This area however, is sorely neglected. While we do not wish to thrust men and women into 'dating' or romantic situations, it is paramount that they have a safe place to reacquaint themselves with the opposite sex, and have positive experiences opening up amongst each other. In many cases, a person hasn't dated or even communicated with the opposite sex in many, many years.

To forage forward, a support group of this type would be most helpful and settling, in a period that seems to be forgotten and uncomfortable for non-divorcing people to deal with.

 

A second aspect of the group sessions would be to pair up with a 'buddy' of sorts, much like AA's support activities. Someone with whom you are able and expected to talk to about your rough days. Someone who has nothing to judge, and has their own burdens as well. This is essential in two ways. One, through service our own burdens become light as the Saviour admonishes, and two, it functions as 'safe' place to lay your frustrations, temptations and difficulties where they are completely understood and accepted.

 

I would like to add here, that I am not an expert. I am simply a woman who has gone through this process, and has had her own pitfalls and temptations, difficulties and sea of tears. I am sharing what I have learned through personal experience, and contact with many divorcing people like me.

 

 

 

 

 

Reconnecting to the Dream - Spiritual connection

 

Somewhere between our youth, or the missionary lessons, or however we have been connected and embraced by the body of the church lies a place where we come face to face with our Heavenly Father. Not everyone, of course, comes to that point before a divorce devastates their world. Those that do, however, find that there is both a huge store of strength, and a river of doubt that diametrically washes over and comforts.

 

Encouraging the divorcing member is of course intrinsic to their survival and healing. Visiting Teachers/ Home Teachers, local auxiliary leaders and priesthood leaders do all they can to maintain and support their members.

 

In all of that, it remains the responsibility of the individual to grasp on and hold tightly to the iron rod. This rod is slippery at this delicate period of shipwreck. It is as if the Titanic has suddenly capsized, and your choice is to freefall to your demise, hold on with bloodied fingers, or fall into freezing waters outside the safety of your ship.

 

I know that personally, all that I'd ever known was suddenly on trial. If 'forever' didn't work, what else fell with that first push of the domino? All of the 'Sunday school' answers are essential of course, scripture reading, temple attendance, church attendance, prayer and service, but there is something that must be recognized and handled with infinite care. That is the glaring fact, that no matter how severe or slight the feeling is, this huge change in ones life brings with it questions on all sides.

 

Answering the questions of 'why' and 'what now' are often the key to healing. It would be helpful to divorcing members to recognize that the mind processes these questions vary differently. While lessons from the Ensign are uplifting and helpful, care must be taken by those dealing with divorcing members to sculpt their messages appropriately. Case in point, when I was in the deepest part of my dark hole of despair, my faithful visiting teachers came to see me on their regular visit. They were wonderful, and tried very hard to be understanding and to listen. However, in giving me the 'monthly lesson' I believe they failed to notice that instruction on how I ought to 'do more' and 'search for my inadequacies in order to improve them' was about the last thing in the world a woman who has just been 'tossed aside' needs to hear. It sent me into a tailspin, and felt as if the iron rod I was clinging to so tenaciously was being ripped out from my hands and then bludgeoning me. I asked them not to return.

 

I realize that others may have different experiences with the messages, but I strongly feel that the messages that are written for the general body of members, must be carefully reviewed and perhaps even a separate group of lessons offered for that very delicate first few months. Something like 'new member' discussions, perhaps a divorcing member may opt for lessons specifically geared for their grief and doubt, fear and suffering self-worth.

 

Six topics I would have found immensely comforting and helpful: