• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• If a 24hour store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when  you turn on the headlights?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• Why do they call it a television set when you only get one?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
• If you had everything, where would you keep it?

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Idiosyncrasies of the English language

Have you ever wondered at the illogical lunacy of the English language?
Do you ever wonder how we manage to understand each other?

• Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
• ...................that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
• If teachers taught, why didn't a preacher praught?
• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?
• How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
• Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
• Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,  ruly or peccable?
• And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens?
• A fly cannot bird, but a bird can fly
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
• English was invented by people, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, isn't a race at all.
• That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
• And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up something I'm doing, I end it.

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Question that do not seem to have answers

• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that:
• ~electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
• What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• What happened to the first 6 'ups'?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
• What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
• What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
• Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
• Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp?
• Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
• Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
• Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
• Why do doctors call what they do practice?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
• Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
• If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

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